Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thanksgiving Horror Stories

True stories from all over the place - all related to Thanksgiving and the little disasters that sometimes help make it memorable.

What A Jerk!
"We were at my very buttoned-up aunt and uncle's house. They set up their Thanksgiving table buffet-style. My dad and I were standing next to it, trying to make stilted conversation (we really don't have much in common with them). My uncle said, 'I guess we're supposed to go in a circle.' And I said, 'Yes, and then we can all do a circle dance.' Only I did not say the word 'dance.' Lord help me, for some unknown reason, the word I said was 'jerk.' It was like I had a sudden attack of Tourette's syndrome and literally we all just sort of stared at the space where my words had flown out of my mouth. Finally, my uncle proceeded to start loading up his plate without comment, as my dad stared straight ahead, unsure whether to laugh or beat me to a quivering pulp. At this point, we laugh, but I think it was touch-and-go there for a while." -- Liz, 42, Los Angeles

Thanks Grandma!
"One November, my brother and I went to Florida to see our father and extended family. On Thanksgiving Day, my grandmother started cooking at 8 a.m. and knocking back the scotches at 10 a.m. -- because she was 'working.' Dinner was at 4 p.m. We gathered at the table, all 19 of us, tons of delicious food ready for our consumption. My dad, who is the principal of a parochial school, had us bow our heads and said a very moving prayer about gratitude and family, and brought tears to everyone's eyes at the 'amen.' We sat in loving silence for a moment, each reflecting on the heartfelt words, and my grandmother announced (boozily), 'You all better eat my goddamned turnips!'" -- Laura, 36, New York City

A Cut Above The Rest

Patti Davidson: A number of years ago my sister and I were preparing dinner for both our families and extended family at her house. The day before Thanksgiving my sister had a large band-aid on her finger. We had a huge turkey to stuff and it took both of us to accomplish it. When it was all done and tied up and in the roaster ready to go in the oven my sister looked down and said, "Oh my god...my band-aid is gone". Well, we were both horrified and then we got the giggles about someone finding it in their stuffing. Should me make it a prize like the baby in a king cake? We just couldn't risk it so we totally undressed the bird and combed through every piece of stuffing. We found nothing! So we stuffed it back up and when we lifted the roaster to put it in the oven, there it was! Stuck to the BOTTOM of the roaster the ENTIRE time! We still laugh about it all the time! 

Isn't That Sweet?

Francie Crawford Todd: I was invited home with my college roommate for Thanksgiving dinner. Her very proper mom made a fabulous meal topped off with pumpkin pie. She heaped whipped cream on each slice and waited for comments. Finally her husband mentioned that it tasted 'off'. She broke down and confessed she had forgotten the sugar but had hoped the whipped cream would save it. It didn't.

Kimberly Argus Lish: Before we were married, my now husband invited some childhood friends for Thanksgiving dinner. They were the worst guests in the world: the children were out of control and the wife kept trying to talk to my husband about her single sister (whom he dated in high school) and how good she looked now. To make matters worse, one of the elements in our stove had broken without our knowledge and the turkey wasn't cooking. After ten hours of nightmarish guests and cooking in a broken oven, we finally managed to get some turkey cooked enough to eat. Needless to say, it was the worst Thanksgiving ever! 

The Step-Monster
Anonymous: I stopped in to visit my former stepdad of 17 years & sat through awkward post-divorce dating/sex stories involving a woman about 15 years older than him. Also, he informed me about how when he was married to my mom, he used to frequently have dreams about chopping her up & throwing her into a car crusher. That, & he kept offering me Bud Light. I love these holiday visits.

My Most Horrifying Thanksgiving
Mr. G: An unnameable ex-girlfriend invited me to her parents house for Thanksgiving.  Meeting her Mother, Brother, Sister, and Brother-in-law for the first time was not the experience I had envisioned it would be.  Her sister kept rubbing my leg under the table with her foot, and I was not all that happy about her behavior.  Her brother was very drunk and kept conversing about really inappropriate subjects.  Her brother-in-law was a control freak, and kept yelling at her sister about pretty much anything he could think of, often bringing up past events that I would rather not have heard about.  Her mother's cooking was horrible, and she insisted I have seconds, and then thirds.... of at times foods I couldn't even identify. UGH!

Later that night, she asked what I thought about the family, and the thanksgiving dinner.  I couldn't hold in that I thought her sister was acting kind of inappropriately with all of her touchy-feely playing around under the table.  I thought that would put an end to her questioning right there.  Instead, she broke out laughing, and informed me then that her brother was gay, and told her that he found me attractive.  She said he confessed to her later that evening that he had fun playing footsy with me at the table.  OMG!  I broke up with her that week.

I hope she doesn't follow my blog! What a Thanksgiving!

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