Friday, December 24, 2010

Twas The Night Before Christmas - Rewritten

Twas the night before Christmas, when inside our house
Many creatures were stirring, dogs and cats were all roused
Due to stockings once hung by the chimney with care,
Having fallen right off from the weight of their wares;
Now all was unsettled, chaos entered our heads,
Loud barks & growls came from the foot of our bed;
And Cindy half frozen, and I one tangled mass
Had passed out watching shows about hauntings en masse 
Just then in the front lawn a buggy did clatter
Dogs sprang from the bed and barked louder and louder
Away to the window they flew like a flash,
On the way knocking over the tree with a crash.
The moon on the breast of the dirty old snow
Lit up a brown bunny sitting there all alone,
While stepping on glass and my eyes full of tears 
The rabbit to me looked just like a Reindeer
Dogs now in a frenzy, glass shards in my feet
I knew that a tetanus shot I soon would greet
More rapid than eagles I ran to the door,
To scare off the rabbit so the dogs might then snore;
Now rabbit!  Run stupid!  Move dummy!  Stop sittin'
Be gone you small varmint!  Start running you Vixen!
Stay away from the porch, run away past that wall
Now dash away, dash away, dash you puff ball!
Through a pile of leaves that had gotten quite dry
The rabbit did run away into the night.
Then down from the house-top an icicle flew
Hitting me square in the eye, and sticking right through.
And then I saw twinkling, senses grew quite aloof
And I fell right on down in a heap with a poof.
But soon lifting my head and turning around, 
A cold pile of snow slid right down in a mound.
Now nearly frozen from my head down to foot,
My fingers were blue, my pajamas kaput;
I heard a strange noise with a pain in my back
With each step I took, heard a crick and a crack
My eye - it was bloodshot!  I'm sure I looked scary!
My cheek black and blue, as if smeared with a berry!
My sore frowning mouth seemed to me like it froze
And the beard on my chin was still covered with snow;
Some grass and some dirt was wedged in my teeth,
And I wished I had dreamt all that happened that eve;
As I stepped back inside so sick felt my belly,
I shook from frostbite like a bowl full of jelly.
On my head felt a lump, a right large one I felt
Cindy laughed when she saw me, as I started to melt;
Some salve on my eye, and towel on my head,
The memories all were quite something to dread;
I spoke a few words, before trying to sleep,
Admonishing dogs with a stern, "NOT A PEEP"!
And laying back down on my side, eyes now closed,
My alarm it did sound, it was time I arose?!?!
I sprang to my feet, my fist like a missile,
Knocked the clock 'cross the room, it slammed into the Bissell!
Then I smiled as I laid my frame down one last time, 
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

-- Adapted from the classic Christmas Poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas".
This version was written by Mindpaint

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